


I'm Not Okay Right Now

by CaptainErenJaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Pls help my baby Eren, kind of angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9978476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainErenJaeger/pseuds/CaptainErenJaeger
Summary: Eren's not slept very well, and has a Moment of Not Good.'Would Levi even care? Would Levi care if he was gone?'





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this from like 3am (now 5am) while chatting to a fellow insomniac so sorry for any errors.  
> Also first time in a long time! College and depression happened lmao.  
> Anyway, yeah, have some Eren.

He loves him. He loves him to pieces, but the idea that Levi could possibly love him back gets a little lost. No matter how many times he says it, no matter how heartfelt and beautifully written it is, Eren still cant help but feel like Levi couldnt really love him; surely Levi’s with him out of pity. 

There’s a mental block when it comes to realising that hes loved. Eren loves so hard that theres a weight in his chest, and it physically hurts to breathe, but the thought that someone held even an ounce of what he felt was incomprehensible, because how could anyone love him? Eren, a pathetic, mopey, and sleepless boy, who cant even tie his own shoes properly. He had dark circles from lack of sleep, he had scars that werent from any fucking accident, he had major mood swings that went from adoring the everliving shit out of someone, to insisting that they were an asshole and hated him. What on earth was lovable about that gross mess? How could someone love somebody as needy, or broken as him? 

Eren looked over at his sleeping boyfriend, with his black hair falling over his closed eyes, and his dark eyelashes splaying over his cheeks. He couldnt help but feel lonely. Laying with the one person who picked his mood up, he felt lonelier than ever. 

Levi’s stomach moved up and down rhythmically, and he let a soft sigh slip from between his lips, as his eyebrows crumpled together briefly, and his hand twitched on the pillow. Eren’s heart felt heavier. He watched Levi, and couldnt help but begin to tear up, because his brain kept telling him that Levi didnt really love him, Levi was only in this relationship with him because he felt sorry for Eren, and he understood that Eren wouldnt have anyone else if it werent for him, and that only made Eren’s eyes tear up quicker. 

Tears silently slipped down his cheek and onto the pillow underneath his head. He scrunched his face up, and rubbed his eyes hard until they were sore. He was being stupid. He was so stupid. How could someone as stupid as him ever be loved; even a little bit? 

He felt so bad for stupidly crying next to Levi, because he should be happy when Levi's around, shouldn’t he? He should be bouncing off of the walls with joy, and smothering him in affection, because he didnt get this all of the time. Yet, here he was, piteously crying on himself, and next to someone he should be ecstatic with, like the sorry rubbish he was. 

Thoughts swirled in Eren’s head like angry clouds in a storm, twisting and furling in on themselves until Eren only felt worse, and worse, his mood plummeting faster than a ten tonne brick. His throat felt tighter, his heart thumped his ribs like they were in a boxing match, he struggled to breathe, oh god, he needed air. Eren sucked in as much breath through his nose as quietly as he could, as he slowly sat up in bed. He shuffled to the edge of the bed as carefully as he could in order to not awake Levi. He forced himself to his feet, even though his limbs felt like they were made of lead, and every step was like wading through treacle. 

One step, two steps, creak. Fuck, he glanced back. The mop of black hair in bed shuffled and grunted but resumed its peaceful sleep. Eren closed his eyes briefly in relief. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and continued treading forward, to the front door. He opened the door carefully and stepped outside. 

Looking around, the little front garden was best right now, he supposed. Eren sat down with a heavy heart, and a light head, he looked up to the sky, and stared at the twinkling stars above him, glittering like tiny jewels in a deep blue velvet sea. He sighed. He wanted to be one of those stars; to have no expectations to live up to, not having to pretend everything is fine when its not, to be able to just let go and not worry about being him, or feeling so low. But a part of him didnt want to be those stars. He looked down at his hand that laid limp in his lap. If he was one of those shining stars, he wouldnt get to be with Levi. He’d have no thoughts, no ambitions, but then again, did he even have any? He couldn’t really remember a time when he had proper goals, or even a dream that he wanted to fulfil. It was this that made him truly believe that maybe he had no point; that life had no point. Maybe he shouldnt be here. Maybe it would be best to just end it all here. He shook his head. He was being stupid again. What would Levi think? Would Levi even care? Would Levi care if he was gone? Eren bit his lip and tried to stifle the sob that threatened to slide out of his throat like vomit. He gripped his t-shirt and sniffled as fat tears dripped onto his shorts. How pathetic. 

Venemous thoughts ran through his head on repeat like a broken record. Pathetic. Stupid. Worthless. Pathetic. Stupid. Worthless. How could anyone love him? Eren wiped a tear away with the butt of his hand harshly and gritted his teeth. What would Levi think if he saw him sat out here, on the grass, crying like a ten year old who’d scraped his knee for the first time? He’d think Eren was being ridiculous, he’d think Eren was being dramatic for attention. But would he really? Eren berated himself for even entertaining the thought that Levi could be so cruel, but Eren deserved it. He knew he did, he told himself he deserved to be dropped by everyone immediately and left to rot like the piece of shit he was. 

Eren shook his head and dug his fingers into his scalp. Ugh. He’d spent enough time wallowing in his own self pity. He should go inside, and try and get some sleep. He sighed and forced himself up. A few steps later and he had a hand wrapped around his door handle. He pushed down, but there was resistance. He frowned and tried again. 

“Shit.” Eren muttered. He’d only gone and locked himself out. He forgot the door did that. 

He slapped his hand to his forehead. He was an idiot. He tip toed over to the bedroom window that faced the front garden and gently knocked, hoping that it woke Levi, but not the neighbours. After a few minutes without any sign of movement, Eren knocked a little harder. To no avail, he cursed at himself, and thumped his head against the glass without thinking. Next thing he knew, he was being forced back, and almost fell over, but was saved by a hand shooting out to grab him by his t-shirt. Eren glanced up, and there, in the soft moonlight stood Levi, his hair all ruffled from sleep, his eyes droopy from not being completely awake, and his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. 

“What are you doing outside?” Levi grumbled, his voice cracking from sleep.

One look from Eren and he knew. Suddenly, Eren was wrapped tightly in a crushing hug, and a face was buried in his neck. He threaded his fingers into Levi’s hair and let tears silently cascade down his cheeks. Levi gripped onto him tightly and took in a deep breath. He slowly lifted his head. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Levi whispered. 

“Not right now.” Eren couldn’t meet Levi’s eyes. 

“That’s okay. Do you want to come inside and I can cuddle you?” Eren nodded in reply. “Okay.” Levi pulled back but linked his hand with Eren’s and gave it a tight squeeze. 

Levi let Eren back in, and closed the bedroom window. They both stood for a moment, sizing each other up, until Levi couldn’t stand the sad look in Eren’s eyes any longer, and held him closely, trying to warm Eren’s cold skin. 

“I love you.” Levi brought his hands up and cupped Eren’s face. 

“I love you too.” Eren blinked and another tear fell. 

Levi tried to give him an encouraging smile. He wiped the tear away with his thumb, and placed a gentle kiss on Eren’s cheek. He slid his hand down Eren’s neck, then his arm, to link his fingers with Eren’s, and led him to the bed. They climbed in, and Levi wrapped his arms around Eren until his breathing evened out, and Eren’s eyes closed. Levi stroked Eren’s hair and whispered little things that he loved about Eren, like his laugh, his inability to cook pasta properly, the way his eyes would widen whenever he saw a cat, and things like the way his hair stood up on end when he woke up in the morning. He couldnt help but love the boy dozing on his chest, because he may not be perfect, but that was something Levi loved, because neither was he. It made him feel better that they both could understand each other in that they expected things to go wrong, but would work to fix them. 

And even though Eren could get very low, so low that he couldnt always help Eren, he would try, because Eren always helped him when he didnt feel good. Also, he loved the caring little fucker, the boy with a heart a hundred times too big for his body.


End file.
